Saturday, June 27

You got to love everybody, and make them feel good about themselves.

It's nice to greet the morning with a cup of coffee in bed. Then again, I haven't slept yet, so it's been a very gradual introduction to the day thus far. I rolled over in bed, over and over and over, wrapping myself up like an anxious burrito in the process. One particular bird started chirping and that was that: I'm still awake and technically "up" for the day.

I've taken three of seven boxes of books to the post office. The postal worker who shipped my box today said to me, "aren't you supposed to be moved already?" If only he knew the impending process. I went from thinking I was somewhat of a minimalist with a few flags on my walls and limited furniture. But then I decided to move, and suddenly I had thousands of other things to rearrange, disassemble, cradle, donate, break, and dust. I also picked up a cat carrier for Patrick. Usually cats freak out about small spaces or being trapped somewhere from where they cannot return. But as soon as the PETCRATE PLUS or whatever the fuck was assembled, he sniffed it and immediately went inside. He purred and looked at me from behind the air-holes. "Mam, you got me a box!" Yes, the box that you'll be trapped in for five hours on your way to your new home! Yes, it's all yours! Yes, it's all yours.

Figuring out new jokes for me has always been tough for me. If a new joke doesn't stick the landing on the first try, it's discarded in a pile of premises that might now be considered "hacky." I tried out some new things tonight and received some varied responses. It's got legs, as the saying goes. I'm definitely still rusty from taking so much time off from comedy earlier this year. Working my last job was miserable and I had no energy to do anything except drink in bed and forget about how miserable my job was. I feel like I missed out on a lot by taking time off. I don't know the new names and faces at open mics, and I can tell when someone is just starting out. Cue online dating joke.

I also had an online dating joke at one point, probably because the material was practically handed to you by dudes who don't buy paper towels because they have jean shorts and name their cats weirdo Victorian English names like Angelica or Eustice. Since the groggy days of 2011, I feel like I've matured into material unique to me. We've all had a shitty online dating experiences. Let's go beyond that. I feel the same about comics that rely on their appearance for the bulk of their material. Gabriel Iglesias is one example with the "fluffy" bullshit. And I'm sad to admit it, Jim Gaffigan used to be one of my favorite comics. But the white, hungry, and lazy self deprecating humor became dull three HBO specials ago. I feel too often comics rely on their stereotype to the rest of the world as a crutch. How did lazy comics become so successful? And by successful, I mean selling out casinos in Ontario and getting two lines of dialogue in Magic Mike.

It felt good not to drink at the open mic, however I think it's made me more nervous. All of my reservations are about me when I go on stage. It was my ticket to relax and escape, and now I have Diet Pepsi to make me hyper and nervous. Tonight on stage it almost felt like I was new again, stuttering over my jokes but remembering to move the mic stand. I'm sure it will fall into place, but I doubt it'll be this weekend.

One of the things I realized recently is that I'm never comfortable saying "no" to people. I'm either making up some excuse or flat out ignoring people all together, a bad habit which I'm trying to break. My go-to excuse used to be "I'm too hungover and I can't get out of bed and I just started Twister and I'm really incapable of being a real person today." The word "no" eludes me. I think it stems from the fact that I don't want to let people down or make them think less of me. Why am I so scared to say, "no, I don't feel like it." It's the honest answer, and part of recovery is being more honest with myself AND others. If I was good at one thing, it was lying to myself. I don't have a problem! At least not during the week! I'll get through this! I can stop whenever I want, said the girl who could never drink enough Jameson. I also think that some people mistake a firm "no" with being aggressive, when I'm really attempting to be assertive. The truth hurts some people, and I don't want to hurt people, even though I had a very good yet inadvertent streak of doing so for some years.

I'm really proud of my country today, which is something I've never said, typed, muttered, or thought. Gay marriage is now just "marriage" in the United States. I was curious why it was such a big issue, as it didn't impact me and it surely wasn't going to ignite the wrath of Satan. I always thought to myself, "if people don't want gay marriage, they shouldn't get one." That opinion made sense to me because no one was getting gay married at gun point, and gay marriage never impacted me, either negatively or positively. It just didn't. So why should my opinion have to be a burden for those who are looking for a positive change in their lives? Love is love, but sadly bigoted dads across the nation don't see it like that. Sometimes all you need is love, and that love should be for everybody.

It felt amazing to wake up to good news yesterday. So many people were happy, and I didn't have to unfriend anyone on Facebook. Finally, a morning where I woke up and smiled. It's been ages since that has happened, and it was because our government finally realized love has no boundaries, no laws, and no limits. Except for that guy and his horse in Enumclaw. That got weird.

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