Tuesday, August 4

I'm only here so I don't get fined.

I originally joined Tinder because I thought it would get me over a break up more quickly. Instead, I only used it when I was drunk, made some regrettable mistakes, and deleted the app up until a few days ago because I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of possibly igniting a relationship based on the fact that someone accidentally swiped right.

Many Tinder users initially go by sight, which creates pressure to choose the right pictures to represent their personality. You can't have too many selfies or the viewer might think you don't have any friends to take pictures of you. You also need to think of a witty description of yourself in order to get that elusive right swipe from the prowling Chad, Brad, or James.

After my return to Tinder after a two year hiatus, I had some remodeling to do. My interior design capabilities with the app are somewhat limited based on the amount of filtered pictures I can upload and the few yet honest ways I can describe myself.

I carefully chose a collection of pictures what I think accurately represent me on most days. The picture where I was blacked out during the Super Bowl used to be precisely on target with who I was, but I figured I'd leave it in to show my continuing support for the Seahawks. The rest of the images are me with and without glasses, me with and without a cat, and a selfie on a good day or when I was bored in the evening when I was wanting to drink but couldn't. Is narcissism better than alcohol?

And then comes the description. I only have 500 characters! Surely I can't talk about how I'm extremely uncomfortable being alone and newly sober and getting reacquainted with Seattle after only six days and how I do stand up but I don't really want to talk about it ever and how I can never take a break up easily and how I always have to have a boyfriend how I'm constantly questioning whether or not I've made the right decision I mean who wants that haha!

Ahem.

Instead of addressing all of the difficult facets of my life, I went with a small list of things I enjoy, ranging from movies to food to activities to authors. I included my Instagram handle in case interested parties want to see what I'm actually up to on a day to day basis, which as of recent, has been moving across the country, reuniting with kitty, and staying sober.

So far, the results have been mixed. "You're gorgeous, let's get a cheeseburger" is really all someone needs to say before I start imaging their last name with my first name and researching what the projected housing market will look like in 5 to 10 years. I potentially have something set up for tomorrow evening, and we've been able to conjure an "lol" out of one another. So we'll see.

Tinder has also made me realize how incredibly shallow I am. Other Tinder users have spoken of this phenomenon called "Running Out of Likes" and I still have no idea what this means. I'm very, very picky in regards to picking a potential mate out of an arena filled with backpackers/hikers/wanderlusters, confused Asian dudes, guys who rode an elephant that one time, men who are under the impression that catching a big fish will be a real panty dropper. I've swiped right on maybe a total of 10 guys in the last two days, guys who have something in common with me and who aren't just in it for the story. They have a good smile, a good relationship with their mother, a happy dog who looks well cared for, and a penchant for Netflix and Hemingway.

When I redownloaded the app, I thought to myself now this is just for fun. Don't get caught up with anything too soon. You haven't even been here a week. And then another part of me was like GOD I'VE ALREADY BEEN HERE A WEEK LETS GOOOOOO. So here I am, swiping with an open mind about where things will lead and where they won't lead. In my profile description, I didn't disclose that I'm sober or in recovery. I figured that conversation was best left to two people getting to know each other in person and not an app that reads alcohol makes me a nasty person and has complete control over my life. I didn't include it because I didn't want to be judged after a simple viewing, and I want someone to respect my life choices.

Why am I even using Tinder? Am I bored? Am I lonely? Did I think moving to Seattle would solve my loneliness problem and I'm subconsciously disappointed? Do I like asking myself questions in text? Initially, I rejoined Tinder for completely different reasons: to ignore another break up, sabotoge my emotions through the possibility of sex, and use it to my advantage in other areas of promiscuity. But now that I've regained emotional consciousness, I have my wisdom about me and maybe some flirtatious dialogue that seems incredibly foreign. I see it as mostly a social experiment. If it goes well, it goes well. As for now, I'm straightening my lab goggles and sharpening my pencil. Notes will be taken, tests will be conducted.

I'm the Primrose Everdeen of Tinder.

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