I absolutely hate this time of year. I fucking hate it.
Getting through Thanksgiving without drinking was a challenge, my first sober
Thanksgiving in eight years. It’s been a while since I’ve had to white knuckle
through a day without drinking, but Thanksgiving was an ordeal. I drank to get
through this time of year because the beginning of winter is painful. I never
wanted to remember November and December, so I drank through them and chalked
it up to celebrating the holidays or being social. Instead, I was actually
getting shitfaced so I could forget why this time of year is incredibly
unsettling. Many have told me I should be grateful and thankful for the things
I have, and in short, I am. I have a family that supports my sobriety and my
current challenges, when others may not have a family at all. But now that I
can remember waking up and going to bed each night, every day becomes a
reminder of why I drank to get rid of a lot of pain. Social media doesn’t make
it any better, seeing families with a traditional home cooked turkey and
stuffing and friends and sweater vests and the family dog wearing some
ridiculous headpiece bought on sale while in line at Target. The entire concept
of “traditions” was eliminated for
me years ago. Chinese food and a movie? Sure, that’s become the new trend. But
the current tradition of partaking in a severe language barrier and agreeing on
a movie we can all enjoy isn’t what I imagined Thanksgiving to be when I was
younger. My nuclear family was dismembered. I had to make decisions about where
to spend which holidays with who. I had to make a phone call to the people I
wasn’t with, reassuring them that I’ll be with them the next year. There’s too
much stress for the holidays: planning, expenses, consumerism. Another reason I
drank through the holidays was to make it seem just like any other day, because that's what I did. Someone
recently said to me, “Why did you come to open mic on your birthday?” And
honestly, I just wanted to treat it like any other day. My birthday is
something I no longer lose sleep over, either because I was too excited or too drunk to sleep. Thanksgiving is no longer an opportunity to attempt to
explain a vaporizer to the elderly or tell the person you’re hopelessly in love
with that you’re still hopelessly in love with them. Why can’t holidays just be
DAYS. Fuck this time of year.
I have major, major jealousy issues. Major, like they have
subordinates major. Well, I thought I did.
Jealousy, the feeling or showing envy of someone or their
achievements and advantages.
Envy, a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused
by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.
A lot of my issues come from envy. For some, envy is a sin.
For others, it’s a stage in a series of murders based on the seven sins. I want
what a lot of other people have, and had. Allowing myself to be envious
severely disabled my self-esteem and self-worth. They have better things than
me! I used to have what they have, and therefore, they are better than me. Why
do I let myself do this? My vicious rumination cycle has been rampant with
thoughts that I cannot let go of. Even in my head, I tell myself “just fucking
let go.” And I can’t. The envy which occurred in the past is still very present
in the now. How can I let go of something if it keeps affecting me day after
day, when something or someone is a constant reminder of feeling pain from
years ago? How do I get rid of that? The drive for perfectionism has also been
relatively out of control. I recently noticed I have acne around my shoulders.
I practically broke down when I realized my skin wasn’t free of blemishes. I
want to be perfect. And there’s that phrase of “nobody’s perfect,” but in this
particular example, I feel that others will also notice my shoulders and deem
myself as something less than perfect. I know acne doesn’t have any bearing on
my self worth and it is hardly a reflection of my character. So why do I need
to reapply make up after crying from the realization that if I show any sign of
damage, I will be completely disregarded. I am tremendously afraid to be vulnerable
or show any sign of weakness. All these things tie together in a dangerous
nexus, which has become elaborate and intricate. Someone abandoned me, and I
blame myself because I think it’s because I’m not perfect. Later in life, I’ll
encounter the same experience, where I find a quality, like acne, to deem
myself less than perfect. Then someone will notice and abandon me because I’m
not perfect. I believe I’ve made progress because I’ve recognized this
inaccuracy within myself. I’m constantly bracing for impact, and it’s
exhausting. I can never admit to being less than perfect because I am afraid
that will change someone’s perception of me, or it will alter the course of my
life if they find out my real emotions, my true feelings, the ones I go to great
lengths to hide. I am still hurt, and it could be frustrating for others.
Ultimately, I am afraid if I expose my true self, I’ll cause everyone around
me to abandon me.
I’m currently working on my fourth step for AA. The fourth
step requires me to make a list of my sexual conquests, which at best
is…spotty, my resentments towards people and institutions, my fears, and
eventually, making a list of my faults and the things I did wrong. Many people
who work the steps in AA back out around the fourth step because it enables
them to confront their fears and character defects. I can’t back out, and I
won’t. I am trying to be as strong as I can through this, but every day I feel
weaker and if I really admit to my faults as a character, I’ll find myself
alone and isolated. I know the truth within myself, but explaining to others
the exact nature of my wrongs and my emotions will make me seem less than
perfect. And there are people I want to be perfect for but I can’t. And so my
rumination cycle continues, the fear that someone will leave me because I’m not
perfect. Ridiculous.
Being this paranoid is exhausting. Why am I so concerned
with how what others think about me? I’ve always been a people pleaser, and
part of me desperately wants others to like me. These self imposed criteria is
incredibly Costanzaesque, or Larrydavidesque if you’re being technical. I need
to relax and keep it simple. But keeping it simple implies that I’m overwhelmed
and that something is wrong…see what I mean?
Part of me writing this post is to help me cope with my
anxiety, that putting it out there that I’m less than perfect allows me to be
okay with not adhering to perfectionism. I’m not perfect, and that’s okay with
you. Hopefully.
1 comment:
if only you could see yourself through the eyes of others. you are the perfect you. God loves you and so do I! you are an amazing and incredible woman. stay present in the right NOW and enjoy!
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